After a two hour train trip through a beautiful country, so different and so similar to home, I hear them call out my stop. It’s mid morning, and I am more nervous than I expected myself to be. I guess I should have warned him that I was going to be showing up at his house. I know I’m the last person he is going to be expecting. I get my suitcase and stand by the train doors. I’m nervously folding and unfolding the directions I had written down on the plane that would take me from the train station to his house. It’s not a very long walk, but I’m dreading it. It’s just long enough that I am worried I’ll chicken out and end up calling him rather than knocking on his door. The train comes to a stop, they call my stop out, and I step off the train.
As I walk out of the train station and into the town, I am shocked at how different everything is from home. The tall buildings with incredible design, how close everything is together, the cars are different, even the road. It’s like a whole other world. I’m so glad I wrote down all the streets I’d be passing in my directions, because I’m so worried I’m going to get lost. When i finally get to his street, I smile at how quaint it is. Big, beautiful trees line both sides of the small street, brick fences in front of all the house with rod iron gates. My suitcase get stuck in a crack on the sidewalk, and finally all my nerves hit me. I have no idea what I’m doing, traveling halfway around the world for a boy and not even telling him I coming. What if he’s not awake? What if he’s not even home? I am setting myself up for disaster.
With a deep breath, I try and collect myself when I realize I’m sitting on the ground in front of his house. I stand up, wipe off my clothes, and take a deep breath. With tears filling my eyes, I knock on the door. I stare at the ground as I hear it unlock. In seconds that seem to take years, the door opens and he’s standing in front of me. He goes to say something and his jaw drops. I bite my lip to try and hold back the nervous tears threatening to fall from my eyes.
“Amanda?” he says it as a question and I nod. He steps towards me and cups my face in his hand, and a tear falls from my eye, and he pulls me into him.
“Amanda.” He whispers into my hair, and I kiss the bottom of his neck. So maybe it was worth it to surprise him.
Lately I have been thinking about you more than usual. You show up in my dreams, you’re where my mind goes when I daydream, and when I relax. It’s you I keep thinking of. I was writing you a letter the other day, and I ended up writing so much more than I planned to. Just spilling all these things about how much I care for you. I’ve been figuring out a way to surprise you, and I can’t wait until these plans take action.
Sometimes I just want to be all yours, and I want the whole world to know it. I think it has something to do with that I can’t imagine my future without you anymore. When I think about what I want for my life, you are always among the most important. I want everyone to know you are important to me, but I feel like you don’t want that yet, so I leave it alone.
I’m sorry we spent a week fighting over things that never should have even come up. Should have never been an issue.
I love you.
liz was telling me that when you kill yourself, you just get flung into a new life, you dont get to go to heaven. but i feel like getting another shot at life would be so much better than living this one. i dont like this life, i dont like the person i am, i dont like any of it. i’ve been thinking this for a few days, and i think i’ve made my choice, but do i want to wait until after i turn 21? what do i want to do before i bid this life goodbye?
see this is what i do. i get high, listen to taylor swift and such on pandora, and think about you. your smile, how tight you hugged me, how when you held me you played with my hair, how your pounding heart felt under my hands, the way my name sounded in your mouth, when you were trying to warm up my hands, the way you looked at your dog lol. i’ve probably replayed most of those two days a million times.
